On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
