I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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