Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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