There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
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I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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