i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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