Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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