Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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