Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
