Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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