if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
