I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
