The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
