I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
