i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
