Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
