My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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