The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
