Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
