I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
