I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
