last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
