you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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