i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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