Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
