I wanna bring you to show and tell
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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