i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
