I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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