This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
