You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
