hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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