A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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