so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
