so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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