I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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