btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm eating all of the evidence.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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