as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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