I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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