hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
