At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
