she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
