Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
