She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
