I accidentally burped into my bong.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
