I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Two words: blizzard sex
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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