I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
