Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
