Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
