Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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