Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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