I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
