I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
