dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
