the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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