The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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