I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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