I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
