does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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