I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
