take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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